Sunday, September 21, 2008

the hurdle

i’ve debated long and hard on whether i should talk about this subject or not. in the end, i’ve decided to just write my thoughts and feelings away since this is my online diary anyway. perhaps putting things into writing would help me go through with what i’m feeling right now.

you must’ve speculated that i may be pregnant because of my posts on being sleepy and lethargic the past couple of weeks. yes, i was pregnant. take note of the operative word: was.

i was already suspecting i was conceiving the first day i missed my period. i waited for 4 days to do a home pregnancy test, and got a faint line on both test kits i used. after 2 days, i checked again because of the symptoms i was experiencing. i knew inside me that i was pregnant. again, faint lines. come Thursday, we decided to go and see a doctor for a blood test to find out once and for all. after 2 hours, it was confirmed that we were pregnant but we still needed to come back for monitoring of the hCG after 48 hours to be sure that it is going up due to its very early stage. nonetheless, we were very happy…ecstatic is an understatement! to celebrate our joy, hubby and i even watched ‘Happy Feet’ on DVD!

we shared the result with a few of our closest friends here in Dubai. and because of the time difference, we opted to postpone breaking the happy news to our folks in Manila the next day. sadly, our good news didn’t last long. the next day, around noon time, i started spotting, which eventually led to bleeding. when i noticed clotting, i started to panic for fear that there may be a complication. when i saw my doctor, my worst fear was confirmed - my hCG dwindled below 5mIU/ml. in short, i miscarried.

despite the fact that it’s in the very early stage of pregnancy, it was just as sad, disappointing and heartbreaking for us, especially for me. the last 2 nights i’ve been sleepless, and i kept asking myself what went wrong over and over again. i tried to console myself with the fact that we could keep trying, and that it’s not impossible for us to have a baby. but it’s just difficult to keep myself from crying whenever i'm reminded of what had happened. we never told anyone from our respective families ‘cos we wanna save them the worry, and up until this time, they were oblivious of what came about over the last 3 days.

i just hope i’ll be able to recover from this heartbreak soon. but i’ve not lost my hopes, and i am not giving up. for now, all i need is my husband’s unwavering support and our friends’ prayers. it’s a trying time indeed, but i’m not gonna let this dampen my spirit. this is nothing a good brush off the dirt on my knees can’t fix.

in all these, i thank God for giving me the most wonderful husband in the world! Ryan's love keeps me going and inspires me each day. being held by him 'till i'm lulled to sleep is when i'm at peace the most.


25 comments:

chung said...

hey gracie, you know i've been there and i know what you must be feeling now. in our case, i was taking fertility pills (chlomid) and after the miscarriage, i felt like i cheated Him and He knows kaya he taught me a lesson. all i can say is that there's a reason for everything. i questioned Him before but i now understand why.

we're young and there's so much that lies ahead of us. wag ka ma-pressure, dadating din yan. in His own good time, ika nga. i hope you and ryan the best. for me, there's no better way to deal with this problem but to forget, pray and believe that it will come...soon, don't worry! :)

take care! (sorry, nobela comment ko :))

Gracie said...

hi chung,
naku, i was itching to call you yesterday just to talk 'cos if there's someone who'd understand me, it would be you. kaso naisip ko baka mag-break down lang ako, nakakahiya, mag-worry ka pa sa 'kin.
thank you for your words of encouragement! your story inspires me & you're one of the reasons why i'm keeping positive amidst this pool of depression.
take care, too & see you soon. let me know the date for the picnic. wala pa kmeng concrete plans for the eid...perhaps we can join you :)

Andrea Mella said...

dearest gracie....

in time, God will give you HIS most important blessing. Cguro hindi pa talaga time. What's important is you are okay and Ryan is just there at your side. Sometimes talaga si God give us reality check. It lowers our spirits but dapat dont lose faith on Him.

be careful and just relax muna. i may not experienced how it feels but you know thinking about those things can make more stressful...

i am so stress lately because of the preps and what happenned to Leo. But looking back, I will not trade this experience to anything else. Life is so beautiful and yes God gives us hurdles at times because He would like to know how would we react to every situation.
And it's a matter of keeping our faith to Him. Alam mu Grace, talk to your parents but if you feel that they might worry so much, wag na lang. choice mu yan. But you know, when Leo was comforted by his mom kahit thru skype lang, I see the happy Leo again (he was down and sad the whole weekend because of his accident). Syempre who would understand and relate to the situation better but your parents.

Relax, Reflect, and gaya ng sabi ko palagi, may time lang kung haggang kelan ka magiging sad ah. In time, move on and chill out...

Take care and missing you so much!

Kelly said...

oh gracie, my heart aches for you. i don't know how to console you right now. i'm really sorry this was allowed to happen. i'm sure it is for a reason, and i hope you realize it (i know you do).

go ahead and cry. cry until the pain goes away. but don't give up on creating another life. it will come during the perfect time.

take care, girl. *hugs* x 2!!!

Crinklynose said...

sis, i'm so speechless, i dunno what to say :o( i'm so sorry that you and ryan had to go through this... in God's time dearie, darating din si baby... be strong and keep the faith. He knows what's best for us kahit na mahirap intindihin at this point, eventually, we'd learn to understand His reasons...

sending my hugs from az...

take care always!!!

weng said...

oh gracie, i'm sorry to hear the sad news. :( rest assured of my prayers, for you and ryan. cyber hugs to you both. mmmwah!

chung said...

hi gracie! you should have called me, i wouldn't mind at all :) asus, doesn't matter if mag-break down ka! i-inom nalang natin ng vodka yan! marami pa dito samin! :)

take care! and see you soon!

Gracie said...

Hi Gracie! I was just blog hopping & I came across your blog. I was curious because we have the same name. Same spelling too! Well I rarely find "tukayos" so I went over your blog. Oh & I'm a former Thomasian as well. Small world.
I'm so sad to hear about your miscarriage. =( I know this must be a hard time for you but be strong & keep the faith. I believe in God's time you too will be blessed with another angel. There is no one to blame so don't be too hard on yourself. Things do happen for a reason & most of the time, we may not understand why. Only God knows what's best for us and I'm sure he has a better plan for you & your hubby. Stay strong! God bless!

Gracie said...

hi drea,
gurl, thanks for your words of encouragement! you're right, i have to eventually find the time to forget about everything & stop being sad na. no sense in dwelling on it forever.
miss you, too, sweetie! left you a message on your blog. hope Leo's ok na.
hugs!

Gracie said...

hi kelly,
thanks dear for the boost of encouragement! i think i've cried out tears enough to earn me me my own soap on TV (my humor is still intact...meaning i'm a lot better now). it's still difficult at times & when i find myself in a pensive mood, i can't help but feel sad. but i'm more positive now & i've decided to stop dwellilng on what had happened. i believe our time will come.
cyber hugs!

Gracie said...

hi berns,
thank you, my dear! that's exactly what we're holding on to right now...our faith that someday, we will receive our blessing, too. we will wait according to God's plan. i've realized i don't exactly hold my own future. God will lay out His blue print, and as His loyal servant, i must follow.
appreciate your support. take care, as well, ok?
hugs!

Gracie said...

hi weng,
i cannot thank you enough for always being so supportive. your prayers are more than appreciated! i didn't regret writing this down...it helped me a lot.
the moral support i've received from people like you help me live each day as it comes. i am more at peace now, and have finally accepted everything. God works in wondrous ways, and i wait for His grand plan for us with patience & open arms.
big hugs!!

Gracie said...

hi gracie katukayo,
thank you for visiting my blog! usually, my posts are anything bright & chirpy. nagkataon lang that you landed on my most emotional post of all. and i thank you sincerely for encouraging me. come back next time, ok?
take care!

cheche said...

hi gracie. i thought you're pregnant nga based on your previous post but did not want to comment kasi you havent confirmed it yet nga. it just saddens me that something like this could happen to people who would really welcome the baby with so much love and care. unlike ung mga nababasa mo sa news, parents killing their own children. how can they be blessed with kids, that easily tapos they wont cherish them naman. lots of questions but only god knows the answer.

in time, im pretty sure god will bless you with your own. maybe god just wanted to know how far your faith in him will bring you. hope you recover, i could only hope for it to happen soon.

sending baby dusts your way. im actually still not out of the woods yet, kaya im praying really hard that everything will go smoothly. *sigh*

take care girl. *hugs*

jane said...

hi gracie. im so sorry to hear about this. i hope you're feeling better now.

trust that it will come in gods perfect time....

jane
http://mommyhoodandme.com
http://www.janemking.com
http://shangrilajourney.com
http://sassyfinds.com
http://adessobistro.com

AEC said...

hi gracie, just read this now. so sorry for your loss. in God's perfect time, He will give you a baby din. my friend too, she lost her baby a few weeks ago, she didn't even know she was already pregnant.

Gracie said...

thanks, mandy for the encouragement! i trust everything to the Lord, and i feel better now. we’re willing to wait, and i’m sure our little angel will come to our lives soon – in His time.

tracypamela said...

Hi Gracie, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I know you'll get over it. Don't give up. Believe me, it will come at the perfect time. Take care of yourself.

Gracie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gracie said...

thanks, jane! yes, i’m feeling a lot better now. i realized there is no point dwelling on it. baka lalo pa ‘ko ma-stress. i’m doing my best to keep my health as pink as ever & prepare myself for our baby’s coming in God’s time.

Gracie said...

che,
i know which kind of people you’re referring to. those are heartless human beings who do not value the gifts bestowed upon them by God. hearing such stories make it much more painful to those who are yearning to have children like us.
thank you for your support & encouragement – and lalo na the preggo dusts. take care of yourself! i pray for your safe and healthy pregnancy all the way.
big hug!

Gracie said...

thank you, tracy!
i’m doing my level best to be strong. i can’t keep crying about it forever & have resolved to keep my faith in Him & trust that our blessing will arrive at the right time. appreciate your kind & encouraging words. will keep praying for us.

Tinggay said...

gracie, i can't say i know what you're going through but i hope all is better now. in His time, dadating din yan :) take care, and don't stop praying :)

Gracie said...

thank you, tinggay! i'm holding on & i'm not giving up. i owe this not just to myself & my husband, but to the Lord who blesses us abundantly in all things.
i don't believe in the saying that "You can't have everything". yes, you can have everything - but not at the same time. and i'm waiting for our time...patiently & faithfully.
big hugs to you & little Dwayne!

Mich said...

hi gracie, just read your post. huuuugs to you. i can't imagine the pain of your lost. but i'm sure you will recover again soon. be strong!